Friday, 10 August 2007

7. Handsome Henry (II)

As planned, leading candidate Handsome Henry came to dinner. Having passed the preliminary testing stage (lunch with me) it was time for round 2, meeting Sarah.

I'd briefed her on his mild nature, handsome looks, suitable age and clean bill of health. What I'd forgotten to mention were his political leanings.

"Why didn't you tell me he was a Tory?" hissed Sarah when I nipped to the kitchen for a cork screw.
"Well he can't be that right wing if he wants to donate us sperm!" I argued,
"He's a member of the Tory party!"
"I didn't know that!"
"What? You didn't check?"
"No Sarah, I was too busy checking for hereditary traits."
With the biggest scowl I've seen since I refused to remove a particularly ferocious spider from the bath, she tossed her hair and returned to the dinner table.

Although the remainder of the dinner was polite, it was clear that Sarah had already made her mind up and no amount of stories about Henry's mother's homemade jam were going to make any difference.

"Sorry" I mouthed, as we showed him to the door. He looked at me and gave a disinterested shrug. Perhaps he wasn't quite as sensitive as I first thought.

Pros: in good health; handsome; happy to help; appears not to have own agenda.
Cons: conservative; Sarah doesn't like him; doesn't look much like Sarah.

Verdict: Not suitable.

Monday, 6 August 2007

Candidate #8 - No-Go Nathan

It is hard, when planning a family with your lesbian lover, not to end up involuntarily assessing the donor potential of every sperm carrier man that you meet. For example this week, Sarah has determined that Max, her boss, has Crone's disease, Toby the admin assistant had to have years of dental work to avoid looking like a walrus and Gordon the technician really is as hairy as he's rumoured to be.

However, the man who's really got us talking this week is Nathan, lean, dark, handsome and painfully charming Nathan. He's only 21, which is far younger than ideal but his DNA does sound absolutely delicious. We found Nathan at Sarah's cousin's wedding and jumped when we discovered that he's not a blood relative.

The seating plan dictated that Sarah and myself be kept as far away from Sarah's conservative ancestors as possible, which meant being plonked next to a couple of distant cousins and two slightly bawdy friends that the groom met at university.

Small talk was banished early on and half way through the main course we were already exchanging lewd stories about the practicalities of sex in halls of residence. We bonded over anecdotes about the tunes our noisy neighbours had used to try and mask sex noises. Everything was going well until suddenly, half way through dessert Sarah asked, "So Nathan, any nasty hereditary diseases?"

The table fell silent. She'd meant it as a joke but the solemn undertone that was perhaps intended only for me met every ear on the table. There was an embarrassed silence. Finally I chipped in with, "Come on Sarah, we don't want those ears!" and we were saved. The conversation quickly turned to library sex (surprisingly satisfying, I'm told!)

Later, while a barman was preparing our drinks, I made Sarah promise to stop assessing the guests. "Sure," she agreed and turned to the barman, "Are those your real teeth or did you have braces?"

Pros: handsome; athletic; dark.
Cons: too young; inappropriate timing.

Verdict: Unsuitable.