Sunday, 22 July 2007

Candidate #6 - Grinning Graham

With it being the weekend, Sarah and I had the rare opportunity to go out for lunch together. Just as we were about to leave the house we got a call from Graham, a potential donor who we've been chatting to over email. Graham is leaving the country for three weeks tomorrow, so we really wanted to find out whether or not he's a possibility before he goes abroad. This meant that we sacrificed our tasty pub lunch for a few sips of scolding coffee and half a muffin in Starbucks.

When we got there we met a man whose smile actually met from ear to ear. He made no effort to hide it. Nor was their any mistake as to the nature of the smile. It was not the expression of a long wannabe father or an excited left wing charitable type, it was the gawp of a man with a fetish for lesbians.

"Are you Graham?" Sarah asked, with the slightly hopeful chirp that only someone as optimistic as her could muster.
"That's me" he grinned. Our hearts sunk.

I was reluctant to leave Sarah with the creepy man while I went to the counter to purchase coffees for us all, but as I glanced back, they seemed to be making polite conversation. Sarah, like me, can find something to say to anybody, but unlike me, she can remain polite and calm in the face of rudeness.

When I returned they seemed to be talking about model railways - not a subject I had expected to be discussing today. As I sat down, Graham's voice trailed off. He looked at me and the perverted grin returned to his face. "So..." he begun, "Which one do I get to do it to?"

Sarah spat coffee across the table, splattering my white vest top. I looked aghast. "We did mention that we want an artificial insemination."

"What does that mean?" he asked.

"It means no doing it to!" I explained, angrily.

"Not even her?" he asked, gliding his hand towards Sarah, who cowered away. I have no idea what he meant by even her and we didn't wait around to find out. Rapidly, we grabbed our jackets and hurried out of the shop, making the polite goodbye noises that only British people would bother with.

It wasn't until we got to the tube station that I realised we'd left two perfectly good muffins almost entirely uneaten. "Nevermind," said Sarah, "We are not going back!"

Pros: keen; apparently healthy; comes across well by email.
Cons: wants a natural conception; seems creepy in person; going abroad tomorrow.

Verdict: Unsuitable

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lie down with dogs and you'll get up with fleas.

You can't be so naiive as to not expect to run into this sort of thing in your search.

The muffin comment was superfluous and shows your cheap side. A nice compement to your shallow male pattern baldness comment. You, too may come across well in email but you are beginning to display more than you perhaps intended.

"Uneated" ? Hope your spouse is the one teaching the kid grammar. LOL!

Mary J said...

If you're going to point out other people's grammatical/spelling errors or what, in this case, is more likely to be a typo, at least make sure you get it right yourself. Careless mistakes are not a great "compement" to your argument.

Alicia said...

For heaven's sake anonymous, the muffin comment was a light hearted remark that I made to release some tension after an unpleasant experience.

Plus, I'm sure we would have got over the baldness issue if Andy didn't have diabetes.

Mind you, teenage hair loss is something that could lead a child to be bullied in the same way that people are assuming a child with gay parents might be - make your mind up, should people be aiming for "perfect" children or not?

Mary J, it was indeed a typo, thanks.

nick said...

Having opted for a semi-public quest for a potential sperm donor you are to some extent inviting attention from "unsuitable" candidates.
I have every sympathy with your dilemma - you would like to provide your child with the best genes you can but you do not wish to enter into the sort of long term relationship with the donor that would allow you to assess this.
As a result you are being forced to make snap judgements on potential issues such as baldness, diabetes, future contact or lack of contact etc.
This is making you come across as over-cautious and fussy - but why shouldnt you be? This is a major decision, perhaps the largest you will ever make. Having a child is an open ended commitment and certainly not to be undertaken lightly.
I only wish the majority of heterosexual parents gave child bearing and rearing the degree of forethought that you are displaying.
I wish you every success with your search and hope the two of you will enjoy many years of successful parenting and family life.

nicholas2001@btinternet.com